Where does a turtle go when its raining?

A shell-ter!

What did the ocean say to the shore?

Nothing, he just waved!

Why was the math book depressed?

It had a lot of problems.

What do you call a psychic midget who just escaped from jail?

A small medium at large.

Where does a king keep his armies?

Up his sleevies.

What did one candle say to the other?

Want to go out tonight?

Three tortoises

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. Mick packs a picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away, so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer.

"Okay Les, give me the bottle opener," Les says.

Mick gets worried. He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"

Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So, they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for it, but he refuses, as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So, Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.

Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving. But, a promise is a promise.

Another five days pass and he still isn't back. But, a promise is a promise. 

Finally, they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops out from behind a rock and shouts...

"I KNEW IT!!! I'M NOT FUCKING GOING!"

What did the astronaut think of the restaurant on the moon?

The food was fine, but there wasn't much atmosphere.

Why did the farmer win a Nobel Prize?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

What did Adam say to Eve on Christmas?

It's Christmas Eve!

Fish in a tank

Two fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, "You man the guns. I'll drive."

Man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar.

Ouch.

A neutron walks into the bar

So this neutron walks into a bar, orders beer and asks "how much?"

The bartender replies "For you, no charge!"

What's the holiest of all cheeses?

Swiss

Red Shirted Captain

Once upon a time a British Navy captain was on the high seas when the lookout on the crow's nest shouted "pirate ship ahead!!!"

The captain then turned to his first mate and said "get me my red shirt!"

The mate got the shirt and the captain put it on. A battle ensued and the British ship won. After the battle the first mate asked the captain "why the red shirt?"

The captain replied "I wore it so if I got shot or injured the men wouldn't see the blood and they would fight harder."

All of the sudden the lookout yelled "20 pirate ships coming!!!"

The captain looked at his first mate and said bring me my brown pants".

What do you call chees that isn't yours?

Nacho Cheese

What's pink and fluffy?

Pink fluff

To kick us off

Why was the tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing.

A termite walk into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.